Tough times don't last... tough people do.

Surgery... Chemotherapy... Radiation..

There are times when I ask why me?
Times when things seem to be bright
But also times when things feel so hopeless
Times when I feel my patience is being tested

Times when I feel it is never going to end.

December 20 to 22, 2011.. It was three well spent days in Philadelphia. I got to meet two desmoid tumor survivors who lifted me up higher than words can ever say. They gave me hope when I truly felt it was lost.

I met with so many specialists. They assessed me thoroughly. The doctors actually said they could not understand why i went through chemotherapy in the first place. They thought I shouldn't have had chemotherapy at all because of where my tumor is located.. radiation is the way to do it...... Especially considering the fact that my tumor is a local thing. The doctors believed that radiation is what should and hopefully will destroy my tumors for once and for all.

(desmoid tumors aren't considered cancer since they grow locally and won't spread to other parts of the body. However, people have concluded that desmoid tumors can be worse than cancer since it keeps coming back, and it can be a lifetime thing as there is no definite cure yet)

Everything happens for a reason. I have always believed in that concept but i believe in it more than i ever did before at this moment. It is truly times like this when I realize I really do have the greatest family and I cannot ever imagine asking for more and I never will. My family, yes all six of us (it wasnt even hard to drag my brother who has his daily arguments with the alarm clock) went to Philadelphia. They went not because they had to but because they wanted to and needless to say, that meant the world to me.

I was given the chance to step out and look at everything around me. I was able to see clearly that i have so many truly wonderful people in my life who loves me just as much as i love them. I was given the chance to know who will support me and stand by my side all the way. I was given the chance to see how truly lucky and blessed i am. I was given the chance to realize how much those important people in my life means to me AND how much i mean to them. I was given the chance to really and truly appreciate both the little and big things in life. Life, at the moment, became so much more meaningful- and simply really beautiful in so many aspects i never thought possible.

so in a sense, my limitations became beautiful privileges.

Back to the point. The doctors told me I am to have a surgery to remove my tumor and then they will perform an intra radiation inside. Then I have to go back in a month to receive radiation therapy everyday for five weeks. I told them it wasn't going to be possible since I am in my final semester of graduate school. I firmly indicated that I will come back in August when I am done with everything academically to focus on my leg and receive radiation treatments. The doctors looked at one other and assured me that time isn't in my favor and that I will have to have the surgery as soon as possible. I will also have to have radiation therapy a month following the surgery as soon as possible. A million of thoughts rushed to my head and they swirled like crazy.. How am I going to go through this and still receive my masters degree this may? Will I have to put off graduation? How will I be able to miss classes? I won't be able to graduate with my classmates who I've grown to be very fond of through the two years we have had in the program together? How will I deal with not being able to live with my girls and mark at alumna house for my very last semester at Gallaudet? The questions kept pouring in. But I knew one thing for sure, my health comes first whether I liked it or not.

I cried in silence all the way home. But as each tear poured down my cheek one by one, i grew more determined that I will go through this somehow-one way or other..... And that everything will be okay.

The first to do on my list was to vp with my teacher to discuss the possibility of implementing my last semester of graduate school with my situation indicated above. That was when I received my first glimmer of hope from the end of the tunnel. My teacher was so unbelievably supportive and she assured me that it IS going to be possible, and that we are going to work through everything. My spirits were lifted and i felt lighter than i ever thought possible. A surge of positive thoughts came rushing to my head as i started to think about what was to come. I will be able to make up the hours i am going to miss, and graduate on time with my classmates. I emailed my close friends explaining them the situation i was going to face in the times to come. The support i received from them blew me off my feet.I actually felt lucky to be in the situation I am in because I was given the chance to truly appreciate my girls for they continue to show me the true meaning of friendship every single day. It is truly that through hard times, you realize who your true friends are and you know for a fact that you will never, ever let them go.

The only way out is to go through- so I am going to welcome the challenge of going through my fourth (and hopefully final) surgery along with radiation for five weeks with open arms. So with that being said, January twenty-six....... I am ready for you.